Maybe you really aren’t ready
For the last three years of my life, I have been very focused on figuring out what my work in this world will be. Maybe it’s been longer than that, but very specifically these last three years I have spent much of my time trying different things, taking different trainings and schools, and letting each thing lead me to the next thing, sort of searching for the right fit. In 2020, I took a yoga teacher training and when I first graduated I thought “this is it, I’m totally meant to be a yoga teacher.” And then there was this resistance when it came down to me actually teaching. I taught a couple of classes here and there, but something always felt off to me. I labeled it as not feeling ready. I always felt like I needed to know more or like I needed something else before I could start teaching yoga. I felt like I wasn’t ready.
A lot of times when I would talk to other teachers in the community, they would say the same thing. “You’re never going to feel ready, you just have to do it.” And while yes, there is immense wisdom in this line I was constantly being fed, I find myself being extremely grateful that I never fully digested it. I pondered it for sure. I spent many hours exploring what it means to have courage and to be courageous and how necessary it is to be afraid but to do it anyways. Many many hours. I guess you could even say years. Today it dawned on me that it was true. I truly wasn’t ready to step into whatever role I was pursuing. Over the years, that role has shifted from yoga teacher to prenatal yoga teacher, to mindfulness coach, to doula, and now to radical birth keeper.
For years I felt this fear around my “enoughness” and my willingness to commit and dedicate my life to the work that I’ve been called to. I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t willing. And I am so grateful that I didn’t take the advice of all those people who said I would never feel ready. I was young! I *am* young and I really pride myself on being mindful and aware and in tune with the messages I receive through deep listening and deep discernment. When I felt like I didn’t have the tools or the knowledge or access to the wisdom or the confidence or the time, space, energy, organization, emotional intelligence and clarity, etc, etc, etc it was because I didn’t!
I see now that this deep feeling and deep reverence I have towards this work is and has been my guiding light. I am so grateful that I didn’t step into Birth work as a messy, half-assing, irresponsible, drama addicted 24-year old woman. Sure, that was just a mere three years ago but I cannot even articulate to you how different of a woman I am today. I am grateful to be guided to move slowly, to listen more than I speak, to observe and feel out what would sustainably work for me and what wouldn’t before I act.
Those aren’t traits that are valued in this world. We are taught and pressured to move quickly, learn quickly so that we can quickly commodify what we’ve learned, and to keep going when we’ve burnt out. We are taught to file our life into separate boxes. Don’t bring your personality and your emotions into your profession or career. Separate that. Don’t be biased. Put your beliefs and convictions to the side. Don’t be loud in what you believe in and let that drive your life and your work. Be agreeable and accessible to everyone. Don’t ask questions, don’t try to carve your own path. Do what you’re told, follow what has been laid out for you, get a good job, have a family, work 80% of your life, only enjoy 20% of it, save all of your money until you’re old and sick and exhausted so you can buy a big TV and a comfy couch where you will spend the rest of your days bitching and moaning about literally everything.
That rant was both funny and devastatingly accurate.
So you could do all those silly things that our culture and society sees as right. OR you could play with what it might be like to shift. Instead of assuming people know better than you do, what if you felt into the wisdom that you hold in your body? Maybe you don’t feel ready because you aren’t ready. And I don’t know, maybe you won’t ever feel ready and you will have to do it scared because I know that is sometimes true too. Can you tap in and ask yourself the questions that you often seek out? Can you trust yourself enough to discern fear from intuition? And maybe you can’t right now, and that’s ok. Some things take time, and practice, and love. Are you willing to take responsibility for where you’re at in your life right now?
I spent years telling myself I wasn’t committed enough, I didn’t know enough, I was too unstable to be a birth worker. This work was too much for me to handle. And there was a lot of truth in that. *AND* I totally wish I could have been so much more gentle and loving and accepting for where I was at and trusting that I would get to where I was meant to be. Because here I am now, ready and willing. I am so grateful to be exactly who I am, exactly where I am right now. Right now in this moment, I feel peace. I don’t feel this incessant need to collect, gather, seek out, and soak up all of this external information and knowledge regarding birth. I trust that I have everything I need. This is who I am and this is what I was born to be. And I am so very grateful.
Can you find gratitude for where you are? Can you trust? Can you be a bit more gentle and loving with your sweet self and this wild journey? Maybe you really aren’t ready yet. And that’s ok.
